Then a long nightmare came to our family, unpredictably, too soon, too bitter.. T_T

—————

On 27th February my dad felt like gastritis attack and we brought him to the doctor, but when the pills are run out after 1week, he sick again. My husband and I decided to brought him to IGD at RS Harum. He had some blood tests and the test result is not good. 

On 22th March, he was diagnosis got chronic kidney disease. Unfortunately I didnt join to meet doctor at that time, so I couldn’t ask about the stage of his kidney disease. It made him very down and his condition  weaker day by day until 1st April his breath is not normal again.

On 1st April, we brought him to IGD RS Haji, he hospitalized until 5th April. There were some strange things, like my father’s brain condition is not normal again, he often forget about the place, the time and his memory was mixed together. I know that because I always beside him when he got prostate operation. His condition was really different and I really sad because 1 week before he hospitalized, he seems normal for me. He could answer what I asked to him, but when he hospitalized and days after that his condition getting worse T_T

On 13th April he hospitalized for 2nd times, yap 1 week after he checked out. It broke my heart when my dad should use some tools to help his breath, and some medicine infuse to cure his disease. He lost his conscious with half opened eyes. He was in condition sleep in a few seconds, then woke up and struggle to get free of his hands, so the nurse decided to tie his hands T_T

His body was poisoned by ureum in his blood. His brain was also affected, it called “Delirium”. The existence Ureum/Urea in his body was too high because his kidney was getting worst, from 3rd grade to 5th grade, which means he should do dialysis therapy. But wih his condition it was not possible, need ICU room that capable for dialysis, he should be transfered to other hospital. 

After 2 days there wasn’t any good progress to him, like the medicine was not effected, so we initiate to asked nurse and doctor regarding my dad condition. We tried to search others hospitals that capable to handle my dad case because they told us to “help them searching other hospital”. 

After some drama..we got the approval from doctor, so we finally have historical medic documents for hospital transfer. It was such a relief moment to us, that night my husband and I could sleep soundly. I also dreamt of him, he was not sick anymore..he smile at me, sat on his wheelschair and answer my question like his normal condition. I prayed to God when Subuh Prayer, “make it easy if my dad could be cure, or make it easy if the time was come”. We believe that Allah will give the best answer to us  :’)

Few minutes later, my dad passed away at 05.25 am. When I got a called, I was not sure, because his latest condition seems lost his breath (sleep in a few seconds) and his breath back again when he tried to untie the rope. But after make sure, it was true and already checked by doctor and nurse.

I couldn’t imagine before, I lost my dad, too soon for me, for our family. I wish I would be at this moment when I was 40’s. When my parents already seen my children :’(

Sometimes I wondering, a lot of “what if..”. Cause in short time I couldn’t handle my anger, my temper, and not tried to be more patience. Why I couldnt make him happy and just give his favourite meals and drinks.. Why I didn’t take some photos with him, in his good and bad condition. T_T

This post I dedicated to my beloved Dad (Rahimahullah) who passed away on 16th April 2021.

————

Since I was young, I always envy to the girls or boys who has a good relationship to their Dad. I just felt like there is a gap between me and my brothers to our dad. I couldn’t see him a lot in my memory or moments when I was young, teenager and before married. I only know, my dad and mom always go to the school (they are teacher btw) together early morning before I wake up and around 2007 or 2008 they started to go to school after Subuh prayer when in SHS’s Jakarta study time start at 6.30 am.

My Dad always ask me and my brothers about our school, time for mid test or final test, or sometimes talked about what happen in his school when we gather together at terrace house and always become a listener because the rest of us are talkative person. 

When report card distribution time, my parents also doing the same, fortunately my dad can reschedule to next day or before our schedule. He also a person in charge to do extrovert matter, such as : looking for school for my tests (Simak UI, UMB, SNMPTN) where be placed and accompany me when the test was be held. I also remember every time I comes out from class after test, he always said

“Hey, do you want to drink Teh Botol Sosro before we go back to house?”

He asked that because he likes sweet drinks, especially tea (hahaha lol) and he was waiting me at canteen or small store around the school. He also accompany me to interview session around Cempaka Mas, the place that I didn’t familiar because too far from our house. Sadly that was not a job I wanted and I failed whereas my dad already spent much money to use taxi and he also asked me to lunch before we go back.

After I got a stable job, I was busy to save money for my marriage but I tried to buy something for my dad or mom even there were not expensive. I bought polo shirt, shirt and perfume for my dad and he really like that shirt until the end of his life :’)

After I got married on 2016, I moved from my parent’s house to my rent house and bought credit house. Nothing has changed a lot because we busy with our jobs. My parents still working as a teacher, me and my brothers also busy with our works. We used to gather together on weekend or gone to somewhere.

Till the day on 13th May 2018, my mother was retired as a civil teacher (in 60 years old) and we told to our dad to retired also, since he is almost 64 years old at that time and he approved. Then, I realized my dad become more extrovert to us, to me. Maybe because my husband and I frequently come to my parents house, or maybe he felt like losing his children and hasn’t got any activities like years before.

Last year, on 2020 when covid19 was come to Indonesia, we are not gather together for almost 6 month, only via social media and only met at Eid 1441 H, the last photo session with full family’s member :’(

On December 2020, there are 2 times, short vacation with my mom and dad. Yap this is very rare moment when my dad is going together with us to stay at hotel. He was so happy when we visited Cibodas and stayed overnight at Hotel in Puncak. Maybe he remember some unforgettable moments when he was young at Cibodas and Puncak. I still remember your smile pah, at that moment :’) you even asked hotel’s brochure to receptionist when we were going back.

I am truly happy with our last vacation. No one knows it will be a cherish moment to us in months later..you always remember how a happy you are until your last breath dad T_T

 # PROMIL 2019 #

Sebelumnya di tahun 2018 kemarin itu hampir 1 tahun promil di RSIA Tambak dengan dokter Bote. Kami sangat cocok sekali dengan beliau, tapi ternyata sangat menguras fisik, tenaga dan waktu. Selain RS nya jauh dari rumah kami, Jatiasih, plus harus pulang kerja juga kesananya, jadi double-double capeknya. Akhirnya diberikan rekomendasi klinik dekat rumah Ibu saya, daerah Radin Inten, jadi dari kantor saya (daerah Halim) bisa langsung cus kesana naik ojol.

Dokternya senior banget, beliau adalah Ayahnya dokter hitz di RS Bunda atau Morula. Saya mau sebut nama gak enak, karena takut kesannya menjelek-jelekkan, karena kesan di saya kurang bagus. Entah saya emang tipe yang sensitif atau apa ya, tapi teman saya yang normal (tanpa PCOS pun) kontrol kehamilan di dia cuma beberapa kali, akhirnya pindah klinik wkwk.

[!! Disclaimer !! : Postingan ini tidak bermaksud menggiring opini publik untuk tidak datang ke dokter atau klinik tsb, ini murni hanya menceritakan pengalaman saya saja, setiap orang kasusnya pasti berbeda, begitu juga treatment yang para dokter berikan. Tidak bermaksud untuk menjelekkan para dokter yang sudah senior atau dokter spesialis. Saya percaya setiap dokter memiliki kapasitasnya masing-masing :) ]

………………………………………………………………

~PERTEMUAN PERTAMA~

Saya : Intro ke dokter, sudah telat beberapa bulan, bercerita bila saya divonis PCOS.

Dokter I : Lho anda tau darimana? kenapa bisa bicara seperti itu?

Saya : (sabar....inhale exhale)..Saya sudah pernah test dok, ini hasil pengetesannya di tahun 2018 lalu. (sembari kasih hasil test)

Dokter I : (lihat-lihat kertas hasil test ini itu).. USG dulu deh

- Setelah USG - 

Picture Source : vectorstock.com

Dokter I : iya ya banyak telur telur yang kecil ya. Emang sudah biasa seperti itu?

Saya : iya dok makanya saya bisa bilang kalo PCOS karena itu, plus udah telat mens nya lama.

Dokter I : oke saya kasih obat biar mens dulu ya, nanti begitu mens hari kedua langsung datang ke sini lagi. Saya gak mau pakai suntik-suntikan pembesar telur dll, sayang duitnya mending sekalian insem. Untuk cuci sperma sebenernya bisa aja di RS Sayyidah, trus dikerjain disini, saya sih bisa aja ngerjainnya, tapi sudah tidak handle lagi, biar yang muda-muda aja.

Saya & suami : ooh bisa ya dok begitu?

Dokter I : tidak ada tapi disini, belum pernah dilakuka.

Saya : Oh gitu. Sebenarnya ada pantangan makan atau olahraga apa yang dibolehkan sih dok untuk PCOS?

Dokter I : tidak ada pantangan makan, olahraga jangan yg berat-berat ya

Saya : baik dok, terima kasih.

~PERTEMUAN KEDUA~

Dokter I : jadi sudah mens ya bu Riezqa?

Saya : sebenernya udah dari 3hr lalu dok, tapi hari pertama cuma flek aja, baru keluar darahnya kemarin

Dokter I : yaa flek kan juga termasuk mens. Kalo gitu saya kasih vitamin untuk Ibu & Suami ya minumnya dari sekarang hingga masa subur. Biar pembuahan secara alami dulu.

Dokter I : 

nanti kalo belum hamil, saat mens datang lagi ya bulan depan. kurang lebih tanggal sekian..

Saya : Siap dok.

~PERTEMUAN KETIGA~

Dokter I : lho kok baru datang tanggal segini? (sambil buka buku catatan kunjungan)

Saya : iya dok, telat lagi mens nya 5hari-an.

Dokter I : haduh gimana ini telat lagi. Gimana mau program ini kalo begini. Yaudah ditunda dulu aja program hamilnya, mumpung lagi puasa, siapa tau kan lebaran ibu hamil. Habis lebaran H+4 ibu dan suami kesini lagi.

(mohon maaf disini agak skip kata-katanya ga begitu inget. tapi yang jelas si dokter ter-distract karena si cucu dateng ke klinik, dia suruh masuk ke ruangan pula)

Pokoknya hari itu bikin mood hancur banget, mana lagi puasa, kejar-kejaran waktu dari Halim (kantor) ke Radin Inten buru-buru karena lagi bulan puasa takut keburu tutup si kliniknya. Eh begitu sampe cuma digituin doang :| hancur hatiku, ndak mau lagi dateng kesitu. Antara kesel, emosi, kepingin nangis.. T.T

Kadang bingung, judulnya spesialis obgyn tapi kaya kurang paham tentang PCOS. Saat diskusi sama temen yang lagi ambil spesialis, mungkin aja dokter tsb kurang tau perihal PCOS, alias tidak mendalami tentang penyakit itu. Mungkin juga di zaman beliau PCOS tidak se-terkenal sekarang :’( so sad

Akhirnya kepikiran untuk cari obgyn yg ada embel embel “K. Fer” aja sekalian, mereka pasti lebih tahu mengenai PCOS. Di tahun 2019 kemarin itu saya bertemu dengan PCOS Fighter di kolam renang dekat rumah, dia lagi program insem sama dokter di RS Hermina Bekasi, next saya akan cerita ya kunjungan perdana dan terakhir saya kesana ;) 

Stay safe and healthy everyone ^^

Hi all.. how are you? what have you been doing in this covid19 era?

Hampir 8 bulan covid19 sedeang gencar-gencarnya di negara kita :(

Sejak pertengahan bulan Maret 2020, kantor saya memutuskan untuk melakukan WFH bagi para karyawannya, yang datang ke kantor hanya HRD & OB. Di tengah banyaknya perusahaan yang melakukan PHK, Alhamdulillah nya kantor saya sedikit yang diberhentikan, karyawan kontrak rata-rata, untuk meminimalisir budget, mungkin. Alhamdulillah kami pun tetap dapat THR full dan kenaikan gaji di awal tahun sesuai perjanjian. Sungguh tak henti-hentinya saya mengucap syukur dengan keadaan tsb, saya sangat beruntung sekali. Masya Allah :’)

Namun di tengah kondisi tsb, saya merasa mendapatkan beban 2x lipat, karena bekerja dari rumah, deadline kerjaan yang semakin banyak, project besar-besar, dihubungi sales lewat telpon tanpa kenal waktu, diberondong pertanyaan lewat whatsapp dan juga email-email. Di lain sisi, saya juga harus prepare untuk makan pagi-malam kalau keadaan memungkinan, demi meminimalisir bepergian keluar karena covid19. Bila deadline kerjaan sedang tidak bisa diganggu gugat, saya akan duduk di depan laptop saja, dari jam8 pagi sampai jam5 sore, bahkan bisa lebih lama lagi. Makan pagi-malam beli di luar, istirahat hanya saat ke wc, makan atau sholat. Selebihnya saya harus standby depan laptop, mengejar deadline submission untuk project-peoject yang tak henti-hentinya datang.

Tanpa sadar saya menjadi orang yang lebih anxiety, paranoid bawaannya setiap lihat HP, mendengar notification email, whatsapp atau telpon. Semakin insomnia, hampir setiap hari migraine atau pusing gak jelas. Juga sulit membendung amarah bahkan sampai merasakan denyut jantung yang tetiba melonjak lebih cepat dari denyut normalnya, disaat saya mencoba untuk tidak mengeluarkan amarah pada seorang trouble maker yang bikin hari-hari saya semakin buruk semenjak dia datang.

Saya sudah mencoba berbincang dengan abang saya mengenai anxiety saya tsb, ternyata anxiety itu kebanyakan dirasakan oleh orang yang punya kepribadian ”perfeksionis”, dan kami semua anak-anak mama punya sisi perfeksionis tsb, mungkin paling kental di saya dan abang kedua saya. Dia memberikan link untuk mleatih emosi atau biasa disebut juga “meaningfullness”. I’ve tried, but it doesnt impact to me that much, mungkin masih salah melakukannya, mungkin saya butuh psikolog pribadi untuk menerapkan itu, mungkin jalan paling cepat adalah mencoba keluar dari masalah tsb secepat-cepatnya, seperti kasus suami saya kemarin.

 

I have no idea what I have been felt at that time, all emotion affiliate to made me feel so hopeless and cried is the best way to release my emotion on that day..

Saya hanya bisa menangis sesenggukan di pelukan suami dan saya berkata 

“Aku udah gak tahan lagi, aku capek banget kerja, aku mau udahan aja ya.. pusing kepalaku setiap hari, mau pecah rasanya..”

Suami saya hanya bisa menimpalkan dengan kata-kata, “yaudah..kalo mau berhenti ya berhenti aja. tapi kamu mesti siap hidup hemat, gaji ku masih belum gede, ngepas banget untuk hidup kita..”

“Aku kadang mikir, mending aku hidup berhemat-hemat dibanding aku pusing kerja setiap hari kaya gini.,” timpal saya.

“Yaudah kalo gitu siapin surat 1month  notice nya ya, biar mereka pusing & sadar selama ini core nya ya di kamu..”

.........

Setelah berbincang dengan bos saya yg baru banget diganti, dia baru masuk 3bulan-an, dia tidak sanggup karena harus pelajari seluk beluk project requirements dari saya dulu sebelum saya tinggalkan. Akhirnya kami deal untuk 2 month notice, include dengan sisa cuti saya 16 hari.

Di sisa-sisa hari saya kerja, saya mencoba bertahan sekuat tenaga, lembur beberapa hari dengan masuk kerja karena harus men-training bos dan junior saya, saya mencoba untuk selalu sugesti “sebentar lagi cha..semuanya akan berakhir, semangat sampai hari dimana akan cuti 16hari, lalu resign.”

aaaand here I am..2 bulan sesudah menjadi IRT. Rasanya gimana? 

 

Sejauh ini siihh....

Minusnya : bosen karena di rumah terus, jadi kurang bersosialisasi, sedangkan lingkungan rumah pertemanannya kurang menarik, kebanyakan ghibah tidak berfaedah. 

Kadang sengaja jalan-jalan sore naik motor atau jalan kaki sekedar melepas penat, atau ke Mall sebentar, gambar, atau ya bebikinan pakai bahan-bahan sisa baju yang sudah rusak. Belum banyak aktivitas yang saya bisa kerjakan karena memang belum ada anak kan, jadinya ya sebisa mungkin manfaatin waktu yang ada.

Positifnya : Alhamdulillah saya lebih bahagia, bangun tidur atau saat ingin memejamkan mata saya tidak lagi memikirkan deadline kerjaan kantor :"). Pusingnya palingan mengatur menu makan siang saja atau ya duit yang mepet hehe :p. 

Semoga rejeki bagi kami akan terus berdatangan ya Allah, sehatkan suami saya dan mudahkan dirinya menjadi tulang punggung keluarga, Aamiin Ya Rabbal Alamiin :)